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The Wolf-Man Title
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New Mexico The Dentist
Speaker Dialogue
N/A (The episode begins with Dan sitting on his bed with his head resting on his hands.)
Dan I can't believe how much I hate everything. (The door knocks and Dan walks over to open it)
Supermodel Hi Dan, I just moved in next door. I'm a supermodel.
Dan I don't care who the IRS sends I am not paying taxes.
Supermodel (Laughs) You're cute. And so clever. (She picks up Dan) If you kiss me, I'll make you pancakes.
N/A (Dan is about to kiss the supermodel when her face turns into a monstrous figure that screams at him. He wakes up to find that he is kissing his alarm clock that is ringing.)
Dan Oh, come on! (He throws the clock across the room and slaps his face.) Can almost taste those pancakes...
Dan (Dan gets out of bed and slips on a pie) Ugh!...Arggh! Ooof!
Dan (Dan walks out of his apartment) Arrrgh… No supermodel, no pancakes…pfft, reality! Why can't I wake up from this?
Dan (Dan spots his car and gasps) My car! Three long scratches!? Coarse grey fur!? (Dan sniffs the fur, licks it and spits it out) Pawprints!? Deductive reasoning leads me to the conclusion that there is only one possible culprit! WOLF-MAN!!!
N/A (The Dan Vs. The Wolf-Man logo appears on screen, a wolf sound effect is heard).
N/A (The scene cuts to Chris watering his tomato plant when his mobile phone rings. He looks at the caller ID to see it is from Dan.)
Dan Pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone! (Dan appears on the other half of the screen)  Are you screening this call? No one screens me! I will not be screened!
Chris (Chris sighs, answering the phone) Hello?
Dan Chris! Get over here!
Chris Dan, I thought your court-ordered evaluation was today.
Dan I am not going, I have been wronged!
Chris Again?
Dan I can't believe it either! I demand vengeance!
Chris Who is it this time?
Dan The worst, most devious sub-human of them all!
Chris The Mailman?
Dan Close... The Wolf-Man!
Chris The Wolf-Man? Like from the movies?
Dan Like the movies, but a real one.
Chris Uh-huh...
Dan Just get over here!
Chris Yeah, I told Elise I wouldn't help you with revenge anymore so…
Dan Get over here right now! (Dan hangs up)
Dan (The phone rings again, Chris answers it) I said now! (He hangs up again).
Chris (Chris walks over to Elise, who is on a laptop) Hey Elise, do you need anything from the store?
Elise Was that Dan on the phone?
Chris Yeah, he says he's been wronged.
Elise Who is it this time?
Chris The uh...Wolf-man. (Elise is silent, she raises an eyebrow) I know...
Elise So you're going.
Chris Well, you told me you didn't want me helping Dan with his missions of vengeance anymore.
Elise I just said you shouldn't let Dan push you around, you can go if you want.
Chris Well, in that case, I'd better go. Dan said to get over there right now.
Elise (Sighs) Have fun.
Chris Love you! (He gives Elise a kiss)
Elise Don't do anything- (Chris exits the house before she can finish) stupid...
Dan (Cut to Chris walking over to Dan outside his apartment.)  What took you so long?!
Chris Nice to see you too...
Dan Stupid Wolf-Man, I'll get you!
Chris There's no such thing as a Wolf-Man, Dan.
Dan How could you be so naive?! Look at the fur! Look at the paw prints!
Chris There's an animal shelter right there.
Dan Look! (A sneaker print is shown).
Chris Those are sneaker prints.
Dan Exactly!
Chris Exactly what?
Dan What wears shoes but also has paws? (He flicks through a magazine and shows Chris a picture of a wolfman) The Wolf-Man!
Chris So you're saying that the Wolf-Man's a jogger.
Dan He's an evil beast with an unsavory bloodlust. Of course he jogs!
Chris If he's wearing shoes, what's with the paw prints?
Dan Obviously, he runs like this. (He demonstrates by getting down on his hands and feet, running around and making growling noises)
Chris He doesn't run like that in the movies.
Dan This isn't the movies, this is real life! Stop living in a fantasy world!! The Wolf-Man scratched my car and he must pay! Next month!
Chris Why next month?
Dan Next full moon, don't you watch movies?
Chris So what are we doing today?
Dan Nothing, go home! (Dan runs back inside his apartment).
Elise (Cut to Chris sitting next to Elise while reading a book) No revenge today?
Chris Nah, it got pushed back to next month, full moon and everything.
Elise Makes sense, sort of.
Chris (Chris catches a passage in his "Toxic Buddy: Coping with an Angry Friend" book) Ohh, I should have said that...
Elise That wouldn't work. Too subtle.
N/A (The scene cuts to a night sky as text reads "ONE MONTH LATER" as owls hoot and a scream is heard as the text changes to "HALLOWEEN NIGHT". Elise is handing out candy to three trick-or-treaters and heads inside. Chris is seen sitting on a recliner, chocolate all over his face as he eats candy from a bowl. Chris' phone rings and he answers it.)
Dan It's the full moon again tonight. Get over here!
Chris It's Halloween.
Dan What?! So?
Chris So, I'm handing out candy with Elise.
Elise Chris, did you just eat all the candy? Again?
Chris (Chris looks down in the candy bowl to see there are only two pieces left) Uh...yes. (Grins with chocolate on his face and teeth)
Elise If I bring more candy out, will it last until the trick-or-treaters get here?
Chris Uh, I can't guarantee that.
Elise Is that Dan on the phone?
Dan Is that Elise? Don't tell her it's me.
Chris How did you know?
Dan Snitch.
Elise We're the only two people that call you. Why don't you go help him?
Dan Sweet! Get over here!
Chris (He gives Elise a kiss, leaving chocolate all over her lips and rushing off dropping the bowl, but comes back) Can I take some candy with me? (Wipes the candy off Elise's lips with his thumb, tasting the chocolate.)
N/A (The scene cuts to Chris standing outside Dan's apartment as he knocks on the door.)
Dan (Answers the door) Never mind, I don't need your help. The situation is under control.
Werewolf Kid Help!
Dan Quiet!
Chris Who's that?
Dan The Wolf-man! I caught him!
Chris You caught him?
Dan Yep! Mission accomplished!
Werewolf Kid Help!
Dan Quiet! You can go.
N/A (Dan attempts to close the door, but Chris pushes back and opens the door. The kid with a werewolf mask is upside-down tied up.)
Chris Oh, Dan, this is not okay!
Dan What isn't okay? I caught the Wolf-Man!
Chris This isn't the Wolf-Man! Dan, you caught a trick-or-treater!
Dan Of course, it's the Wolf-Man! Look at him!
Chris Does he have claws?
Dan No.
Chris So, how did he scratch your car?
Dan Maybe...he grows claws!
Chris Dan, there is no such thing as the Wolf-Man!
Dan Of course there is!
Chris There is not!
Werewolf Kid I want to go home!
Dan/Chris (Both at the same time) QUIET!
Chris You can't go kidnapping children! And you! Don't you know not to go trick-or-treating without an adult?
Dan (As Chris is untying the kid) Yeah, there's a lot of crazies out there. You could end up on a milk carton.
Chris Awfully sorry about this. (The kid with the werewolf mask scoffs and kicks Chris in the knee as he yells in pain)
Dan Well, at least you're here to help me with the- (Points to a kid wearing a mask similar to Chewbacca's) Wolf-Man!! There he is, get him!
Yeti Kid Trick or- AAAH! (Runs off dropping his candy as Dan chases after him)
Chris Dan, stop! That's a yeti!
N/A (Dan and Chris chase after the kid following as he runs.)
Yeti Kid HELP ME! (Dan and Chris chase after him for a while as he removes his mask, revealing a blonde kid)
Dan He's reverting to human form! (They continue to chase after the kid as he drops his mask)
Blonde Kid AAAAH! (He runs past a cop who's casually about to eat a donut with Chris and Dan behind him)
Cop (About to eat his donut) Oh right, I'm a cop! Hey!
N/A (Sirens wail and a cell door is heard slamming as Dan and Chris end up in the holding cell.)
Dan This is much nicer than the last jail I was in.
Chris That's very reassuring.
Dan Don't get snippy.
N/A (The scene cuts to the outside of the police station.)
Police Officer Alright, now which one of you is Chris?
Chris That's me, sir.
Police Officer (Pulling out an envelope labeled "EVIDENCE" placing out the items as he lists them) Okay, so we have a wallet, keys, a comb...
Dan Why do you have a comb? Your hair is boring.
Police Officer (Dumping out a locket with a picture of Elise with a heart) A locket with a picture in it...
Dan Hey, that's not me!
Police Officer (Pulls out three odd-looking cubes) Three bouillon cubes; two beef, one chicken...
Dan Really?
Chris There might be a soup-related emergency.
Police Officer Do you mind? I got a lot on my plate, and I don't need to be spending all day with a couple of knuckleheads like you two!
Dan Oh, yeah? What do you got going on that's so important?
Police Officer I'm in the middle of a book I'd like to finish sometime this year! (Pulls out the same "Toxic Buddy: Coping with an Angry Friend" book Chris read earlier)
Chris Good book, not all of it works though...
Police Officer Now, what else? (He pulls out another envelope) Okay, so are you Dan?
Dan Gimme my stuff!
Police Officer (Pulling out items again as he's listing them) Okay, we've got an enemies list and several expletive-laced letters to someone named Grandma... Also, I feel I should warn you that you are way past the legal limit on pocket lint.
Dan What I do in the privacy of my pockets is my business alone! You can't treat me like this! I know people who pay taxes! And where are my knucks?
Police Officer Brass knuckles are illegal in California. And the rest of the country. They've been confiscated.
Dan Confiscated? Confiscated?!
Chris (Whispers) Dan, don't!
Dan CONFISCATED?! (Throws a trash bin) I can't believe this! (Tearing a ton of paper from the bulletin board) Those were a gift from my mother! How dare you! I'm gonna confiscate this water! (Takes a sip from the water cooler and smiling) What's going on here?! How dare you! Well, I'm confiscating this, (Grabs the envelope) and this, (Grabs a pen) and I'm confiscating your hat!
Police Officer Sir, do not reach for my hat.
N/A (Dan grabs the police officer's hat anyway, walking backward and sticking his tongue out at the officer. The police officer tases Dan several times until his hair is standing on end, smoking. Dan and Chris exit the police station.)
Chris Well, that was completely humiliating.
Dan It wasn't my fault. That guy was being difficult.
Chris And whose fault was it that we were jailed for assaulting a minor?
Dan Okay, so maybe the kid wasn't the Wolf-Man.
Chris Maybe?!
Dan Okay, probably! There, are you happy now?!
Chris What about this situation would make me happy?!
N/A (Dan's hair fizzles a bit. The scene cuts to Dan and Chris driving home.)
Chris I'm so tired.
Dan That is just like you. One minor run-in with the law and you're set to give up. Not me, pal!
Chris Give up? No, I'm gonna drop you off and go to bed.
Dan And let the Wolf-Man roam free?
Chris (Sighs) For the last time, there is no- (Dan covers his mouth as a wolf howl is heard)
Dan Shh! Did you hear that?
Chris Probably a dog.
Dan Drive north. North, you monkey!
N/A (Chris turns the car in the other direction towards the freeway as Dan slams his head on the dashboard as several cars are in traffic.)
Dan Ow! Oh, come on! How can there be a traffic jam at this hour?
Chris Halloween. Normal people are coming back from costume parties, not police stations!
Dan I hate everyone.
Chris You don't hate everyone.
Dan I do! I hate everyone!
Chris All that anger is not good for you, ya know. It's eating you alive!
Dan You know what you can eat?
Chris I don't have to be out here driving you around, you know. I've got better things to do than looking for mythical creatures!
Dan He's not mythical, he scratched-
Chris (Overlapping over Dan) I have put up with an awful lot-
Dan (Overlapping over Chris) My car! He scratched my car!
Chris (Overlapping over Dan) I have put up with an awful lot from you on this stupid quest of yours, but no more! I'm out!
Chris (Mumbling) You're stupid.
Chris Next time, you should have one of your OTHER friends to help you.
Dan Like who?
Chris I don't know, how about your friend, Ted?
Dan He's not talking to me right now.
Chris You know, people struggling with anger- (Gets cut off as the Wolf-Man is seen rushing past their car)
Dan That's him!
N/A (The Wolf-Man stops what he is doing as he stares at Dan, confused. Dan gives an evil smirk as the Wolf-Man glares, causing Dan to glare back. The Wolf-Man glares some more, giving a growl before howling and jumping on three cars.)
Chris That's the...Wolf-Man?
Dan Come on, get after him! Pretend he's a sandwich!
Chris What kind of sandwich?
N/A (Dan steps on the gas pedal as the car drives forward bumping a car a bit.)
Chris Watch out! Stop it! Let go!
Dan You let go!
Chris It's my car!
N/A (The Wolf-Man jumps over more cars as Dan causes him and Chris to skid out of control.)
Dan We're gonna lose him!
Chris Then let me drive!
Dan Fine!
N/A (The car swerves some more causing a donut as the Wolf-Man is seen waiting at a stoplight waiting for the light to turn green as Dan and Chris accidentally run over him as Chris stops the car. Dan and Chris lean forward to see if they hit him, but the Wolf-Man's paw reaches on top of their car and they gasp. The Wolf-Man inches closer towards them and growls while breathing on Chris' windshield, roaring. Dan and Chris hold each other screaming as Chris hits the reverse on the shift and they back up, the Wolf-Man falling off the car, dazed as he runs off.)
Dan What are you doing? Get after him!
Chris I... can't move!
Dan Aaargh! (He kicks Chris out of the car and drives off.)
Chris You are coming back, right?
N/A (The scene cuts to Dan driving Chris' car looking for the Wolf-Man using a searchlight to lure him out.)
Dan Wolf-Man...Come out to play...(The scene cuts to Dan driving the car in the park) Wolf-Man...(The next scene cuts to Dan in the lake with the car.) Wolf-Man... (The scene then cuts to Dan driving the car through a couple's house as a man slowly opens his eyes, waking up.) Wolf-Man...
N/A (The next scene cuts to Dan driving back as Chris is walking and waits for him.)
Chris You didn't have to ditch me.
Dan I think we both know that I did. You froze. You let the team down.
Chris The team?
Dan Team Dan.
Chris Did you at least catch the Wolf-Man?
Dan No, jerkface! I didn't catch the Wolf-Man! I lost him on Laurel Canyon, thanks to your freezing up like a bedwetter in winter.
Chris Where could he have gone?
Dan He probably lives around there somewhere. Next full moon, that's where we'll start.
Chris So we try again in a month.
Dan No. Go home. Find silver. We need silver to stop the Wolf-Man. Come back with as much silver as you can find. And a cupcake.
N/A (The scene cuts to Chris waiting outside Dan's apartment).
Dan You are like the slowest driver in the world!
Chris Thanks for helping me, Chris.
Dan (Mocking Chris) "Muminamumana Chris." Give me your silver. (Chris gives Dan a silver coin) This is it? I told you to bring me all the silver you can find and you bring me one lousy coin?
Chris Yeah, and I'm actually gonna need that back, it's kind of a family heirloom. (as Dan is slowly burning the coin) It was my great-great-grandfather's lucky silver- Hey! Dan, knock it off!
Dan I need silver to wound the Wolf-Man, it's part of my plan! (Dan places the coin on the anvil) I'll give it back later!
Chris But it'll be destroyed!
Dan (Pounding on the hot coin with a hammer) Stop the whining!
N/A (Chris shudders in fear. Dan is still working as Chris checks his watch. Chris sleeps while Dan welds his coin creating a silver arrow.)
Dan Yes, that will do nicely. In one month's time, this will pierce the flesh of the Wolf-Man! (Dan laughs evilly as lightning strikes outside.)
Chris That's odd. It's not even raining.
Dan (Dan kisses the silver bullet before realizing it's still glowing hot, burning his lips and yelps in pain) Ahh! Oooh, hot, hot hot!
Chris Do you even own a bow?
Dan Nope! But I know where to get one.
N/A (The scene cuts to Chris and Dan digging in an archaeological dig site as a sign reads"ARCHAEOLOGICAL DIG SITE KEEP OUT")
Chris I still don't feel right about this.
Dan Keep digging!
Chris I mean I've done some questionable things before, but this feels like grave robbing. Plus, I've heard this place is haunted.
Dan (scoffs) It's not haunted! Besides, do you know a better place to find a bow?
Chris Uh, a sporting goods store, just off the top of my head.
Dan I don't have any money. Besides, shut up.
Chris (Offscreen) Aah! (A skull is seen on the end of Chris' shovel.) Oh, gross! A skull.
Dan Let me see. Cool!
Chris Yeah.
N/A (Dan and Chris continue to dig. Chris falls asleep as Dan crawls out of the pit carrying a crossbow)
Dan Finally.
Chris (Wakes up) Oh, you got it?
Dan No thanks to you, Sleeping Ugly. Now drive me home.
Chris (Yawns) Ugh, what time is it?
Dan 4 AM.
Chris (Sighs) I'm supposed to have breakfast with Elise and her parents. I've been up all night, I'm covered in dirt. I'm going to be completely dead in the morning.
Dan Not as dead as they are!
N/A (The skeleton warriors rise up out of the ground as the leader with a cracked skull puts his head on and points to Chris signaling the others to kill him)
Chris Oh no.
Dan Run!
N/A (Dan and Chris head back to the car as the skeletons pursue them and Chris drives off.
Dan In your face, neolithic indigenous zombies!
Chris Dan, don't taunt the undead!
N/A (The scene cuts to morning as Dan and Chris arrive back at Dan's apartment, Chris looking tired.)
Dan See you in about a month!
Chris I guess. (Chris drives his car off.)
Dan Enjoy your stupid breakfast!
N/A (The scene cuts to Chez Vous restaurant where Chris is snoring in front of Elise and her parents, Don and Elise Sr.)
Elise He's been..um..working. Really hard.
N/A (Chris is still snoring as Don glares in disapproval.)
Elise Mom, Dad, watch! He does a really cool trick! (She shoves an egg under Chris' plate of salad and sausages as he gobbles it up.) See? (laughs nervously)
N/A (Chris burps as Don sniffs the air and looks away disapprovingly with Elise Sr. shocked. The scene cuts to the full moon again as text reads "ANOTHER MONTH LATER". Dan and Chris are sitting in Chris' car holding donuts and coffee respectively as Dan sips.)
Dan Man, I hate coffee.
Chris Well, why'd you get it?
Dan I use their bathroom.
Chris What does using their bathroom have to do with anything?
Dan Bathrooms are for customers only, Chris.
Chris Okay, but why did you get coffee?
Dan We're on a stakeout. You have to have coffee on a stakeout! Tell me how it's possible to have a stakeout and not have a styrofoamed cup of joe!
Chris Whatever! Can we just drop it?
Dan Fine!
Chris Fine!
Dan Fine! I still hate coffee.
Chris Fine! I don't care! Can we please stop talking about the coffee?
Dan Fine! These donuts suck.
Chris Then stop eating them! And why did we have to take my car?
Dan Do you know how expensive gas is? It's like seven bucks a gallon!
Chris Right! That's my point! This is your revenge, you should at least chip in for-(A howl is heard and Dan covers Chris' mouth.)
Dan Shh! (Checks around to see if the Wolf-Man is still around.) Let's roll! (Throws the coffee cup not realizing the window is closed as it spills all over him and Chris.) Aaah! Hot coffee!
Chris All over the car!
Dan Drive!
N/A (Dan and Chris drive the car accidentally hitting a cyclist.)
Chris Oh no! I ran over another cyclist!
Dan Don't stop! Drive!
Chris I should probably at least see if the guy's okay.
Dan He's fine. I saw him get up.
Chris Really?
Dan Absolutely.
N/A (Cut a scene where two paramedics are loading the injured cyclist into an ambulance as onlookers watch.)
Paramedic 1 He is not fine.
Paramedic 2 Yeah, he won't be getting up for a long time.
N/A (The scene cuts back to Dan and Chris pursuing the Wolf-Man.)
Dan He's close. I can sense his presence.
Chris You can't sense his presence.
Dan I can so. Shut up.
N/A The scene cuts to the Wolf-Man at a taco place.)
Wolf-Man Mmm...Tacos...
N/A (Dan and Chris follow closely towards him)
Dan I told you I can sense him! Get close!
N/A (Dan stands on the chair up to the sunroof and is wielding the bow as the Wolf-Man is eating tacos and looks in shock as Dan aims to fire, causing him to drop his tacos and run away.)
Dan Chris, drive!
Chris Right!
N/A (Chris speeds the car to pursue the running Wolf-Man)
Dan Keep it steady, buddy! We only have one shot at this! Fetch this, Fido. (Dan shoots the arrow as it lands in the butt of the Wolf-Man.)
Chris Good shot!
Dan We've got him now! Stop here! (Chris presses the brakes running into a trash bin) I knew if we wounded him, he'd lead us to his home!
Chris His wolf den.
Dan Why do you have to give everything a name?
N/A (The scene cuts to Dan and Chris on the elevator as a trail of the Wolf-Man's blood is seen.)
Chris So, that's blood?
Dan I don't know. Taste it.
Chris (Chris does so) That's blood. Aw, gross!
Dan 314. Perfect!
N/A (The scene cuts to the interior of the Wolf-Man's apartment where the Wolf-Man howls in pain as Dan and Chris hear it, the full moon covering as The Wolf-Man transforms back into Wally in his underwear.)
Wally What maniac shoots a guy in the butt with an arrow? Bunch of filthy animals in this town.
N/A (Dan and Chris go down the elevator.)
Chris So, I guess we need some more silver.
Dan For what?
Chris You know, to uh, you know, kill the Wolf-Man.
Dan Kill him?
Chris Yeah, now that we know where lives.
Dan The guy scratches my car and you wanna kill him?
Chris Well, yeah, he's a menace!
Dan What are you, a psycho?
Chris No, I just thought we were- (Dan covers his mouth)
Dan Shhh... You've got some serious anger issues. You know they have books for that.
N/A (Dan and Chris head to the garage where Wally is parked and Dan scratches his car with a key.)
Chris That's it? You keyed his car?
Dan Yep, now we're even. He scratched my car, I scratched his.
Chris We spent months on this. We steal from an archaeological dig, my car smells like coffee and my great-great-grandfather's lucky silver dollar has been pounded flat and is now lodged in the right buttock of a were-creature, all so you could key his car?!
Dan Yeah. Wanna hit Burgerphile?
Chris No, I don't wanna- I just- ah- with the- how could you- you know what, I- (Stammers for a bit) Yeah, okay...
Dan You're buying.
Chris Oh. (Sighs in relief) I'm glad that's over with. No more monsters.
N/A (The same skeleton with a cracked skull is slowly approaching Chris with a hatchet roaring ferociously before getting hit by a truck. The scene then cuts to Wally heading downstairs to the garage, seeing his car scratched and howls in anger, ending the episode.)